"Why do I Keep Ghosting People?" Here's How to Break the Habit and Stay Connected.
- Julie Kliers
- Mar 19
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 21
In a world where every notification ping feels like a call to action, my client—let's call her Stacey to protect her privacy—confessed to a struggle that many with ADHD can relate to: ghosting people instead of responding.
“It's not my intention to ignore people or make them feel I don’t care,” Stacey explained. She struggled to understand why this pattern kept repeating in her life. Now, she was determined to uncover the reasons behind it and find a way to respond rather than leaving people waiting and feeling unacknowledged.
Stacey shared the most recent example. Last week, she received a text from a close college friend who was coming into town and wanted to get together. Stacey intended to respond later that day, but a few days passed before she remembered. She felt so ashamed that she had waited this long that she found it too difficult to respond.
"It's not my intention to ignore people or make them feel I don't care," Stacey explained.
Ghosting is a common struggle. This article delves into the underlying causes of ghosting when you have ADHD and offers actionable strategies designed to empower you to break through this pattern instead of feeling stuck. But first, let’s explore why an individual with ADHD might delay responding in the first place.
Three reasons you may not initially respond
When you first receive the text…
It required a decision. Even small commitments can send someone with ADHD spiraling. Do I say yes? But who knows how I will feel? Decision-making is an executive function, and it can be very challenging. Learn proven tips to break through ADHD Analysis Paralysis.
It was considered a low priority. We are always racing against the clock to be as productive as possible, and stopping to text can disrupt the flow.
It felt intrusive. It’s like you were finally in the zone, tackling the hard work—then an incoming text fills you with resentment. “This is my time! How dare you interrupt?” With ADHD, getting started is a battle. Once we do, we want to ride the wave.
Why does it lead to ending all communication?
Once Stacey realized she hadn't responded to her college friend, she felt like she heard the ghost of her past mistakes returning to haunt her, reminding her of all the times she hadn’t followed through. "You haven’t texted them back? There you go again!" the voice said.
Memories of being criticized by her parents and teachers flashed through her mind, and she feared she had done it again. Stacey convinced herself that her friend was already mad at her and that the situation was hopeless.
The more that time passed without a response, the more it snowballed in her mind and paralyzed her from taking action. Beating herself up didn't serve her; it became one of her biggest obstacles to texting back. Why do those with ADHD tend to be so hard on themselves?
With ADHD, there’s a tendency to:
Struggle with emotional regulation: Many experts believe that this is not only an executive function, but it is at the core of ADHD. One missed text can quickly set off a wave of emotions that we are inclined to catastrophize and feel like everything is lost.
Get stuck in negative thoughts. ADHD brains release lower amounts of dopamine than neurotypical brains. We are more likely to gravitate toward negative thoughts because "bad is stronger than good," and they engage our brains more than positive thoughts.
Have black-and-white thinking. People with ADHD often see things as either excellent or terrible, with no middle ground. This extreme thinking can trigger a fight-or-flight response, making them want to escape and ignore the situation.
Stacey realized how much her thought patterns impacted her tendency to cut off communication with people. We collaborated to help her adopt new perspectives. Here are the five things that helped her most.
5 Tips to Stop Yourself From Ghosting People Over Text
Challenge your negative story. Notice the story you're creating. If you assume others are mad at you, ask yourself—is that true? What if they’re just busy and more understanding than you think? We all create stories, so why not make up the good stuff?
Connect to your future self. Do you want to show you care about your communication with others? It’s easy to lose sight of your goals when rushing through tasks. Set reminders with a symbol or word on Post-it notes or your phone background to stay connected to what matters most.
Break it up into steps. Draft your response in your notes app to take the pressure off. Every time you begin to think about your lack of response, keep revising your draft until you believe it’s ready to send. This way, the biggest obstacle, getting started, can be overcome with the least stress.
Send a “placeholder” text. Another strategy involves sending a quick placeholder text to buy yourself time. For example, “I’m not sure yet—when do you need an answer?” This keeps communication open and eases the anxiety of feeling unresponsive.
Set a boundary around your time. Permit yourself to work productively during the day and reply to texts in the evening. Tell everyone this is how you schedule your time, and use an alarm as a reminder. We are more likely to follow the rules we create.
Adopt a perspective of self-forgiveness. If you hear your inner voice judging you for past mistakes, tell yourself that mistakes are human and essential for learning. Give yourself compassion by speaking to yourself with the same kindness as you would to your best friend.
You got this!
P.S. Is procrastination keeping you stuck? Click here for easy tips to get started with tedious tasks.
If you'd like to learn how ADHD Life Coaching can help you live to your fullest potential, select a time on Julie's calendar for a FREE 15-minute Coaching Chat.
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